Hey everyone =)
I have signed in and out about three times in the last 20 minutes trying to decide on whether to post. So I decided on yes but it's going to be a fairly 'odd' entry.
I have just finished watching the series "Claire Richards slave to food" and couldn't help but carry on thinking about it after it finished. I'm unsure if you will have seen it/heard of it, but it really touched me. Claire Richards was famously known for her days as a member of successful British pop group Steps. However lately, she has become known for yo-yo dieting. Fluctuating from a size 8 to 20, she has been through a lot.
What she said she wanted to gain, was to understand why she had this mentality to go from tiny to quite heavy in what seemed like to the public to be in the blink of an eye. In short, in the end she discovered a few ways to work with her mentality and was able to get back to what she was best known for, which is - in my opinion - her fantastic voice.
The three part series really touched home for me. As the largest member of - from what I remember - most of my memories of growing up, I was relieved and ecstatic when during my 18th year on this planet, my weight quite literally dropped off my body. I had gone from a UK size 14/16 to a size 6/8. Yes, 6/8. The reason? The magical thing my mum had been telling me for years that I had come to think of as a myth had happened... I had lost my puppy fat. For the next year, I was able to feel confident in absolutely everything. I had never felt so incredibly happy and... Me.
Unfortunately, I continued to eat my normal diet and - it sounds ridiculous - the weight crept back on without me noticing. It wasn't until this year that I truly realised what I had done. Clothes that I used to wear and adore couldn't get past my knees! I had gone from a size 6/8 back to - now - a size 14/16.
I have never felt so gross with my body. I hide daily from my mirrors (especially full length). And have even been reduced to tears just at the sight of myself. My boyfriend of four years, who I first started dating when I was my half-sized happy self, has unfortunately, become used to finding me in pieces over something as simple as what to wear to go shopping in. It has effected every single part of my life. In every way you can imagine.
My friends who I had known for almost 10 years faded away for various reasons when I started getting serious with my boyfriend 4 years ago and now I have been brought to tears whilst shopping - alone - when I see one of them in the distance, resulting in me literally hiding. Why? I am so disgusted with the way I look, I can't take what they would think of me and the pity that would be in their eyes.
The world we live in is unfortunately mostly based on looks. I have seen both sides of this so far in my life so I know what people think and say about me and my size. Knowing these things makes me feel like leaving the house offends people and their idea of how I should look. The truth is, if someone had warned me 3 years ago when I was skinny and happy, I would have rather not eaten very much to stay at that size than be where I am now.
This post isn't intended to make people feel sorry for me or attention seeking. I am posting this so that if there is anyone out there who feels the way that I - and from what I saw in the programme, Claire Richards - do on a daily bases, you will know you are not alone.
I am starting to learn to figure out my mental demons with food before I try to 'fix myself'. Inside then out. I am hoping that if I do this, it will be a permanent adjustment rather than a quick fix.
Phew. That feels better. I felt today that I needed to speak to someone and rather than have a heart to heart with someone face to face - usually ending with me in floods of tears and reaching for biscuits - I thought I would put it out into the universe. Well done and thank you if you got this far and didn't either fall asleep or feel the urge to click off.
I guess I'll end this with...
To be continued...