I want to start by thanking some of you lovely followers of my blog and my YouTube channel for contacting me/leaving comments sending me your support. It means so much to me that people can understand where I am coming from and have even battled with similar issues. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Carrying on from my last post... I did seek out professional help, I visited the doctor a couple of times and to put it frankly, it was useless. To deal with dark times in life I have built an 'armor' to help me get through it. I hide the hurt even from those closest to me and I suppose, put up a front. Talking to the doctor and opening up about a few of the issues I am/have been having for some time took a lot for me to do.
The doctor asked me whether I smoke or drink, the answer to both is no - I have never tried a cigarette and have never even been tipsy.. At 23, I understand this is weird to most people! - Looking at me with a shocked expression, he tells me that it says a lot about me and the strength I have that I have not turned to a vice to deal with my issues. That's all very well and good but if I am sitting in a doctors office in tears and talking about some things that have effected me in negative ways, I think I need a little more than someone telling me I'm strong.
A few days before I was supposed to see the doctor for the third time I had what I can only describe as a teeny tiny epiphany. It will sound so silly to so many, but whilst in the shower I got my Soap and Glory flake away body scrub out. I hadn't used it for absolutely ages, admittedly because I have been down it has been making me feel lazy. As I was scrubbing away I thought about where I was at with regards to my image 5 years ago (including dress sense, hair style and the importance I felt towards looking and feeling as amazing as possible in my own skin) I realized that I have lost that. Getting myself ready has become a sprint. I am fighting with the mirror which leads to me not spending much time in front of it.
The following appointment was going to be talking about my goals for the close future (lose weight, get a job etc.) When I am struggling with every day life, I know that looking towards the future is not something I can stomach right now. Feeling this way combined with my 'epiphany'... I cancelled the appointment.
I am trying to get myself better, alone. I obviously have my family and a couple of close friends, but with regards to my health I have decided to help myself. I may change my mind in a day, a week or a year but I think it's worth a try.
Well done if you read the whole post, you deserve an award. Unfortunately I don't have any of those, so please accept my appreciation and know how much it means to me that you did :)